Tag: journey

I felt this was a fair game …

If you have not read the first post before reading this, I recommend clicking the attached link before continuing.

There were articles and interviews that you’ve shared about yourself, Jonathan. It was no secret that I’ve shared in the last post, I used that to my advantage while your just sitting there probably (I’m only assuming ) thinking, “Who is THIS person writing stuff about me?!” I will agree that it is pretty creepy that I have access to information while you did not have mine unless you somehow have federal level of accessing to people’s confidential. Anyway, I will try to share bits about me and maybe some vulnerability parts of me here.

Written on July 4, 2024 insert -> This post might be good for my children to read in the future to learn a little bit more about me. There are certain things I am sharing here that I realized I have not shared that with them. <- Ends

So, who’s writing that stuff online …

Hello! I am Amanda. I was welcomed into the world in Rhode Island, on August 2, 1983. The anxious eyes of Robert and Natalie are shining bright of my arrival. what was waiting for me at home are my four oldest sisters: Jennifer, Lori, Emilly, and Katherine (Katie), who was fathered by a different man. I was the fifth child for my mother, Natalie and the third biological child of my biological father, Robert. My biological father had two other children, Robert Jr and Rebecca with another woman before meeting my mother. My mother’s relationship with my father did not last very long after my arrival. There are many details that have happened in that relationship is not something I would share public. It is very sensitive topic for my family whenever I bring up my biological father.

Discovering my Deafness

I was told there was a family birthday party, an aunt of mine was calling for my attention but I never turn around. I was about a year and half years old, give or take. People who were at the party became very puzzled at my non-responding attention. A male voice that was in another direction of the room called my name and I turn my attention to him. Several family members told my mother to have my hearing checked out at a local Deaf school. As an adult, my family and I have came up with few possibilities that may have caused my deafness and we accepted that we will never know the actual cause. My whole family can hear. My mother would argue with me that her mother was deaf in 1 ear.

Speaking of my deafness, I can speak English pretty well enough that people have made comment on how well I speak and yes, I do wear hearing aids. I feel more at ease when I speak in ASL (America Sign Language). Quick note, you know how hearing people get those tone accent across the America and in the world, yea its pretty much the same in ASL. There are certain signing that one word for example pizza would sign certain way in Texas while people in Rhode Island would signed it entirely different.

Childhood years

I used to enjoy being on the swings in the school playground because it felt like I could fly when the breeze hit my face and I closed my eyes. I often hopped off the swings, but one day, I ended up injuring my knee, which sent me to the nurse’s office. It was pretty bloody due to the rocks in the playground, but that didn’t stop me from hopping back on the swings afterward.

I also loved the merry-go-round at the playground. Many kids would beg me to push it because apparently, I was pretty fast. I even partnered up with an older, bigger kid who was probably two grades above me, if I remember correctly. I do recall flying on that thing often, gripping the bar as if my life depended on it. Kids would call me ‘road-runner,’ and I was oddly proud of that. (Laughing)

In my school years, I enjoyed a wide range of activities including swimming in pools and at the beach, running and walking on city sidewalks or in the woods, playing basketball and track, biking around the city, reading children’s fiction books from Nancy Drew to Goosebumps, comic books, and teen magazines, window shopping, having sleepovers, going to movies, listening to music so loud that we could feel the vibrations in the car, traveling through New England, camping, game nights, and much more.

Every year in the summer, my mother and my step-father would buy those sodas for us to drink so my sisters and my stomach were nausea from drinking them in very short time. We use the soda cans for a discounts program that was offered at Riverside Park in Agawam, Massachusetts. We would spend the whole day there. I was always looking forward to what ride we will be riding next and I would jump in the long, LONG waiting lines just to get on certain rollercoasters. I remember one summer as a child, I somehow had crayons and coloring book with me to color while we were traveling from hotel to the park. I had to leave it behind in the car because the park does not allowed it. The night time rolls in and the park was closing, we found one green/blueish color crayon melted to the backseat and still there after 30 something years. Whoops!

Those photos were from 1990s. The picture of me on the couch was taken during my high school one weekend. I have 4 oldest sisters, and one of the sisters had her own family. She needed someone to watch her 2 babies over the weekend or visiting. I took care of my sister’s boys for the weekends without a miss for 2 years straight.

OH! Let’s not forget about the yearly Haunted Houses trips I had with my step-father and my sisters in the month of October. My mother refuse to join us. Once I found out or realized that the workers at the haunted house were not allowed to touch tourist during my junior high years, I would stare at them letting them know they weren’t scaring me in the most non-verbal way. They really took that as a challenge. Once they realized they couldn’t scare me, its almost like they called people up ahead to try because they weren’t successful. Still to this day, I have no idea if they have. (( Burst in laughter )) I think it’s partial to my Deaf eyes because I saw them ahead of time and knew where they try to camo-sneak or hiding in the dark but I was able to detect their movement.

Bullying at the Deaf school had been an ongoing issue since elementary years but it was slowly getting worsened, in high school. It starting with put-down pretty often, labeling and the name-calling, which leads to hiding my backpack once.

During my high school days, I would say I was very bitter and rebellious at home. That rebellious behavior starting to spread from my home to mainstream schools then everything else in my life. (For those unfamiliar with what mainstream schooling means, it means I spent half the day at a local hearing school that offers programs for Deaf students, and the other half at a Deaf school. )

I experience various of abuse depending on who I was around at the time. I was suffering and I kept a lot of that in silent. Looking back now, I definitely dodging questions and refuse to tell the truth and/or I didn’t realized this situation was the main reason for the way I’ve behaved.

During spring sport season, a coach wanted me to run in I can’t remember which one now in one of the games. I took off first and I was pretty much passing everyone. I looked over at certain point on the track and I saw a different coaches jumped and start screaming my name like she was in pure shocked at how fast I was running. I also saw my teammates was signing, “GO! GO! GO!” At the end of the lap, I was barely breathing and I had hard time catching up to the first who flew passed me. The school team kept encouraging me to finish the first place but I was not successful. There was people on that team had no idea how athletic I was. That was one of rare moments I was proud of myself during my high school years.

My activities for several summers, I would go bike rides in a nearby park that are looped 3 miles and I would sometime looped it twice then come home to jump in the swimming pool. After I was done with swimming in the pool as the sky starts to dark a little bit, I would hunt down friends to hang out with and we tend to go to the mall or hanging at someone’s house to finish my night.

There are other days where I just walk and walk around the loops and/or I would play basketball by myself whenever the basketball court was empty. After that, I would go home and jump in the pool to swim or go straight with friends. If there was no friends to hang out with, I would settle down with a movie or two to watch. I was very constant on the move, I tend to go with the flow and if there is something that someone wants to do, I’m in. There are times I will reject whenever I’m not in the mood and/or interested.

There was a hearing guy who was nearly 10 years older than I was. We became friends originally online then met in real life at my school. My school was hosting a public event for anyone to come and watch the performance is where he and I met for the first time. I was casted for a last minute request because an actor couldn’t make it that night, as an redcoat soldier that comes in and destroyed a home. This guy befriended the Deaf people I interact with daily basis. I do feel he brain-washed them. I would say he caused a lot of trauma, stalking, and … all I can say it was bad. The people I grew up with stop believing my stories and believed him instead. I felt my safety was endangered and I couldn’t continue. My mental state at the time did lead into a very dark place.

The Adult Me

I am not sure what to share because I definitely went through good sizeable amounts of hardships in my 40s years of life on this earth.

My stepfather during my childhood years and my mother became divorced. There was no need to add any more comment on this.

This park, Riverside Park that I mentioned earlier was renamed to New England Six Flags. There was one summer that I attended with few friends of mine, one of my sisters and I spotted each other there not knowing we planned the same day. She, as far I thought and remember was one brave sisters to hop on crazy rollercoaster. I decided to up the intensity of the rollercoaster and she didn’t go on it. I was shocked. The ride was called, Twister. So while sitting in the ride as it took off. I watched my sister’s acting like whatever. The music was blaring so loud that I was enjoying myself. The day was amazing up to that point. The lights of the park turns on as the sun was setting. I danced. My sister’s jaw dropped open and signed, “You better get your hands on that seat!” At that moment, I laughed and I didn’t care if anyone thought I was bad dancer. I was just purely enjoying myself. Other people who were just waiting for their love ones start pointing at me and start talking about me in either in awe and/or like I was crazy one. I thought that was a interesting mixture of reactions. I knew I was safe because I’ve gone on that ride for countless time and never had a single issue for years.

Six Flags have expanding their park in recent years. I have not gone there for few years now. If I had to choose favorites, there were a couple rides that I enjoy so much but unfortunately, the park no longer has them today. Twister <- Link ( This video credit by Deepak Sharma. Thank you Deepak for sharing your video on YouTube.) and Rotor rides (Thank you The Red Coaster Channel for sharing the video.) are the two rides that are no longer running in New England Six Flags. If I had to choose rides that are currently operating there right now, I would have to go with Superman rollercoaster.

The photo above. I met another online hearing man. I would say, he saved my life because if he did not, I had planned my death at age of 18. I really did. I had letters laid out. I figured out the date I wanted and how I was going to have it done. This man came into my life a week prior of my set-date death and saw something in me which I have no idea what it is. He had no idea that I was planning to end my life until several weeks later because I out-of-blue told him thank you. He then saw my struggles and he was very patient as he showered me the lightness of the life. He has SO much compassion and understanding.

Around the same time, my mother met another man, Joseph K and I was not having it. I was going through something, and this man step in fully as a father figure I needed. After that, our relationship as father and daughter developed into love and respect for one another. One Halloween party that they’ve hosted, He love challenging children at his station of hoopla hoops. I was able to watch him interacting with the children and as I could see was upping each other. I was assigned to cookies decorating station. The children were enjoying the cookies more than decorating. My mother did what she did best, cooking and baking those delicious foods that was laid out on the table inside the house so we could nibble anytime we get hungry. We were all in costumes: adults and children. There was lot of laughter, screaming, praises, and a whole lotta running for those kids. Those kids slept extremely well that night with a biggest smiles on their faces.

The prison costume – I had short underneath because the pant that it came with was super long. I am only a hair under 5ft and that pant is probably perfect for someone who is 6ft tall.

My father, Joseph, has the love for crossword and gets 2 more for my mother and my 2nd oldest sister, Lori to compete against each other. He would get ice cream bowl every night before bed. Whenever my sisters and I would drink those one particular kind beverage – he gets the strawberries infused with alcohol in it. Anytime I was in the mood to play scrabble game with them, he would sit down and get ready to challenge words anytime he could. It was truly amazing and I’m extremely grateful that I could call him my Dad. I am truly honor to know him and I am eternally grateful that my children knew him. That man fought hard against cancer to stay alive and be with us for 2 years battle.

Let me regain the compose of myself for a minute, please. I’m in tears because I truly do miss that man.

He lost his fight in 2014. Even though, it has been 10 years, it feels like yesterday when I walked into that room and saw him taking his last breaths. It truly felt like he was calling me that day and waited until I walked into that room. It is like he wanted me to be with my mother. To give her support that she truly needed at that moment.

“Two weeks after my father passed away, my youngest child ended up in the doctor’s office because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. From that visit onward, it became a nightmare from which I couldn’t seem to wake up for 11 months. My son underwent a series of tests to determine the cause of his illness. Not a single doctor at Boston Hospital or his primary doctor could pinpoint the problem.

During that time, all the energy I could have used to grieve for my father shifted to caring for my son and trying to keep him as comfortable as possible. Eventually, my son’s health slowly improved. Looking back, the travel we undertook for medical care amounted to driving from Plymouth, Massachusetts, to Florida and back twice over the course of those 11 months.

Even though I was still terrified, I was starting to come term with everything, my partner came downstair to my craft room one night to tell me that he wasn’t happy. You can imagine how my world flipped under me, I can’t seem to keep my feet on the ground. I …. I was crushed. The relationship between him and I did not improve for few years.

One December night, my ex and I had a huge verbal fight, and I felt he had crossed the line. I walked away from that fight and locked myself in the bedroom. I listened to the rain pounding against the skylight. It was cold. Freezing. I was screaming in my own mind that my children needed me and that he wasn’t going to take my life away. I was determined to stay alive no matter what because my children need me to guide them through whatever phases come in their lives.

Somehow, I ended up on the bedroom floor in the dark and I was crawling to grab my backpack to pack. I don’t remember how, but somehow I got on a video call with a truly amazing woman who is well into her 70s. As the screen become live, as I watch her face turn into terror by the sight of me then screaming at me to call police. (Note: In the end of the night, I did not call the police. ) To my friend, I am SO sorry for terrifying you that night, but I am SO grateful that you had a feeling that you needed to reach out and give me the support I needed.

I went to the hospital a couple of days later after talking with my counselor who instantly knew something was very wrong. I instantly became homeless that day in 2020 during the coronavirus pandemic.

I dressed up for a date with husband in 2016 trying to rekindle the relationship. First trip to Oklahoma on my own post-divorce in 2022. The business trip to Oklahoma was during my homeless days. Green dress as my 40th birthday in Canada in 2023. Red shirt with black chocker was my valentine set up for a date in Massachusetts. The black outfit with black lipstick was my vampire costume on Halloween day surprising the local Barbershop friends in Massachusetts.

During my year of homelessness, I found myself in the kitchen making cookies for others. It was calming and it relieves the negative emotions that I was going through at the moment. This habit continued into my first apartment until I decided it was time to move out of Massachusetts due to layers of reasons.

Today..

Today, I am in IL in an apartment with my adult children back in my arms. My children and I adopted two beautiful cats in Jan, 2024 who just keep us laughing constantly.

Random bits about Amanda

I have two children who were born in 2003 during blizzard and 2005. I also have another child who lost his heartbeat in 2009 while I was four months pregnant. The lost of my child had led my doctor to my medical discovery. A month after losing my 3rd baby, my 2nd child had to be operation for a medical condition that he was being monitored since he was in my womb. Today, that medical condition from that operation is no longer an issue.

My dream was to be a mom and I’m loving every moment of it.

I am a godmother of a beautiful woman. I am co-godmother with another best friend of mine of a beautiful little boy.

As a kid, I wanted to become police officer then change my decision to become nurse then I decided that I was better off being a Mom. At one point in my life, I did thought about becoming a teacher but I didn’t feel I was good enough.

If there was some kind of a world disaster event that I was only allowed to have 1 dish, it would have to be stir-fries because I can play with the base such as rice and noodle for example. I can play with veggies and meat of my choosing.

My childhood favorite cookies would be Chocolate Chip Cookies.

People who knows me personally KNOWS that I am addicted to Supernatural television show. Even though, Supernatural have ended their 15th seasons, still to this day, I have not watched 2nd part of the 15th seasons in 2020. I just can’t bring myself to watch it.

I do not know when Supernatural started their filming date but there is a good chance that my son was born the same day and my boy was born at nighttime.

I am in self-discovery journey. I am single now.

I received my first passport in 2023 then flown out of USA to Canada during July – August. And this is also the year that I traveled the most.

In my adult life, I’ve lived in six different states.

During my high school years, I was told I was an uptight bitch, but those same people also said I am not judgmental.

I am not high school graduate. There was several circumstances around my supposedly graduating year. There are more to this story that I choose not to share here. I choose not to go back to school. For now.

Children book that I’ve read as a child that was impactful would have to be Yellow Fever by Laurie Halse Anderson and The Face of the Milk Carton by Caroline B. Cooney

I was asked and/or encouraged by several people to write my story on hardships that I’ve experience. There are more I have gone through that I did not listed here. I am choosing to keep those quiet.

A song that kept me going through my battles in wherever I’m at in my life, It would have to be LeAnn Rimes’ song, “What I Cannot Change”

So this is me who have been writing your stuff online. Now that I got those written out, I have my stomach in knots and I will be honest with you, I’m terrified. I am terrified of what people think of my letter to Jonathan Taylor Thomas and this crazy heavy stuff I share on here about myself.

Before I change my mind, let me get this posted and keeping my word ….

Hello Jonathan,

Nice to meet you. Are you okay? If you aren’t, I am sending you hugs vibes to your way.

Stay Well,