I am here to update what have been happening in my world for 2 months now. There isn’t really much to tell, quite honestly. This is still ongoing battle with the infection. The infection has been really kicking my energy out, that for sure. My children have step up in the kitchen and I’m grateful.
My little Ash is increasing his cuddle-ness. This morning, Ash decided to plop himself on my chest for the first time so I was definitely excited about that. I’m looking forward to seeing more Ash and me time together.
Ash. ❤
We’re noticing both cats, Ash and Calcifer (Cal) are starting to put themselves into our social chat moments. (( Cal’s owner is by one of my children. We adopted both cats few days of each other. ))
Calcifer (Cal)
Since the energy has been drained, I have been enjoying TV shows such as, “Long Lost Family (UK) ” “The Floor ” “The Masked Singer ” ” Crime Scene Kitchen ” “The Quiz with Balls” “WildFire ” with Genevieve Padalecki in it along with probably 2 or 3 movies. In my watch list, there are no horror movies and/or TV shows. The last horror movie that I’ve watch are Joy Ride (2001) which I cannot remember what year I watched. At the time when I watch this movie, it triggered something in my mentally and I just couldn’t watch any horror movies after that. I did tempt ” Carrie ” movie either in 2012 or 2013. There was a scene in the movie that has police knocking their door, but my (ex) husband and I heard double knocks. We looked at each other questioning. It was late at night and our children were asleep. We were VERY unsure if that was a real life knock so we decided to pause the movie. He open the door and standing there was local police handing him a court order for his brother. (The brother was going through a divorce at the time.) Right after that, I was done. I just couldn’t continue to watch the Carrie movie. I was already intense because of the movie then having a real police officer showing up at our door was just little too much. The movie was turned off. No more horror stuff.
I have hopped on Twitch world and watch streamer playing their games and I find myself really enjoying watching them. I’ve watch Deaf and Hearing streamers. There is a streamer that likes to do horror games, and I think his relaxing demeanor is helping me to be okay with it so far. There was a funny moment last night that he actually did a small jumped during the game of ” The Quiet Place: The Road Ahead ” and that send me laughter. I will admit, I do miss watching horror movies because my first horror movie was and I kid you not, ” IT ” as a child, probably seven? years old. I’m not quite sure of my age at the time but yup, I actually sat down with my sisters and watched the movie. (( I was told few years ago that my mother never allowed me to watch IT. OOPS! ))
Alrighty, I’m going to hop off and get this posted. Please have a great Happy Halloween and please stay safe in the dark.
My 21 years old is dressing up this year as Crowley from “Good Omens.” What are your planned to dressed up this year? Out of the years that you’ve dressed up, do you have a favorite costume? I would love to read your costume stories.
I would be sitting in the car, seeing a runner on the sidewalk just jogging. I wanted to cheer them on but I kept my mouth shut. I was afraid they would think I’m crazy. I was also afraid of people in the car would look at me weird.
I am afraid to make suggestions at the group gathering because I might say be judged.
I am afraid to wear my own clothes that I fell in love with to public because people are very opinionated.
I was bullied as a child whenever I have my hair down so it just easier to keep it in ponytail.
I am afraid to wear dresses because there are so many people who ruins women’s rights. I am also uncomfortable displaying my legs because of how it looked. It is just easier to wear pants.
Being a follower is just easier than being a leader because the leaders tend to get criticize often.
I am afraid to sit down and start making kiddy crafts because people tend to be very cruel.
I am afraid to publicize my video and display me to cyber world because I don’t know what they’re saying behind the screen. I’ve been put down, looked down upon, and being mocked more than I could count in real life. I just want those words to be silent so I don’t bother creating my content.
I refuse to dance in the rain because I don’t know how to dance.
Is there a thing as cloud watching anymore? Let me do it from my bedroom window where no one is watching me.
Is there a thing to watch fires dancing above the wood in the firepit? A fire watching? Is that even a thing?
I will admit, I have no idea how to be a good host to guests in my own home. Or being an friend.
So people sees me as a uptight person because people have no idea how much I hoards the anxiety to keep it inside my body and not let it out. All I wanted for people to like me for me and allowing me to relax around you without feeling of being judged. I cannot relax. I can’t be me. I got to look “normal” as much as I possibly can so I blend in.
I flat-out refuse to make funny faces, or laid my head on people’s lap randomly, and even randomly shout out a positive cheers. I won’t even stick my head out and let my hair fly free with sun touching my face like we see on TV.
No. I would sit silently and feel my muscles all around in my body stay tighten up hoping people don’t judge when I’m out in public.
I see you.
I see you doing your own thing. Keep being you. There are no such thing as ” normal ” because honestly, what is normal exactly? There are different version of normalcy for everyone. There are every cultures in this world and we’re all different. Every individual person on this earth past, present, and future are special and unique. I wish I could relax.
But
I won’t be another bully.
Oh…
I want to share a quick story –
It was September 9, 2022 in New Bedford, Massachusetts at the Southeastern Regional Transit Authority (SRTA) which are bus station.
” I was standing being stoic. Two boys, if I had to guess were around a 11 years old and a 15 or 16 years old — The younger one looked straight at me in the eye then immediately made weird funny faces at me walking pass me. Few steps away from me, I turn my head to look at the boys – the younger one whispered to the older boy.
I smile without them seeing me. I turn my head away from them waiting for the bus to arrive then I kinda look straight ahead of me. I see the boys lingered a little bit like the older one doesn’t know what to do. In the end, his body language seem to drop the whole thing and relaxed.
My reason for sharing this story tonight — Just that small sillyness – it has brought a smile. That young boy wasn’t being rude or anything, in my opinion. This boy and I do not know each other at all. Completely stranger to each other but he decide to be silly at that moment.
Smallest act of silliness is MUCH needed. There is too much serious-ness. We all .. yes, even adults .. need to be silly more often. (( Of course, not during needed-serious moments. ) Good night, all. ” — I wrote this on my social media after it have happened.
TO THAT LITTLE BOY —
Don’t stop being silly. Please do continue making people smile.
In the month of October one year, We were renting a home in a small village in Massachusetts where we were right by the ocean. The view through our big window from the 2nd floor was breath taking. In the summer time, the road below us would be traffic by people walking, motorcycles, cars flying, and loud loud music coming from cars and random nearby houses. It was very lively. But when the cold temperature set in, the road below become very still with occasionally flying cars zooming pass. When snow has sticks to the ground and start stacking up on each other to the point the plowing trucks are requires, it shakes the house letting me know that plowing trucks has been driving pass. I didn’t have to look outside to know. They were scrapping the road which is pretty loud and I can actually hear them sometimes without needing to wear my hearing aids depending on what they were doing with their plowing methods.
As the cold and the heat weather temperature starts to battle. The beautiful green leaves on the trees starting to transforming to yellow, red, and/or orange and even brown. The air is slowly coming crisp with chills. In the early morning fog, you would see your breath sending mini fogs. My partner (at the time) and I would take our children to apple picking. We would easily bring home anywhere from 5 pounders to 10 pounds of apples. There was one year, we actually brought home 69 pounds of apples.
In the beginning of our apple picking yearly tradition, we decided that one year to dive into recipes and see what we could come up with. Each of us would pick one of our own choices. This one was picked by my youngest child, G. My child was around 5 or 6 years old when he picked this Apple Surprise recipe.
I dive to work and got that made. The aroma from this recipe was drawing everyone into the kitchen wanting their first bite. I told everyone to have their dinners first then we can have this as our dessert. Oh my. It was gone within days.
Eventually, we moved into a beautiful home that we purchased then shortly after, my (ex) brother in law and his son along with his beautiful pup, Spyro moved into my home with an open arms.
One of the apple picking trips we took.
In the Autumn of 2012, One of the children came to me and asked me to make it again. I hunt down into the piles of recipes that was sitting on my kitchen shelf.
After collecting the ingredients I needed, I went into the kitchen and began to work. My ex-brother-in-law walked in and asked what I was making. As the food started to come together, I noticed my brother-in-law pacing in the dining room. I asked him what was going on, and he said it looked really good and that he wanted a bite. I laughed at that. My ex walked into the dining room, and the two brothers began diving into a range of topics at the kitchen table. As soon as I pulled the tray out of the oven and placed it on the rack, my brother-in-law was eyeing it, but I told him, “Not yet.” As it cooled down a bit, I was able to put the glaze on.
My BIL took his first bite then 2…3. His daughter walked in and grabbed 1 then 2. My brother in law’s snatch 4… 5 … 6. My niece just couldn’t stop herself so she grab 3rd one. My niece’s older brother saw his younger sister and his father was grabbing some so he happily grabbed one … then two. They start chiming each other saying how delicious it was. My BIL announcing “Take it away! I can’t stop!” My children was standing among them happily eating theirs with a biggest grins that they could make.
After the 2nd time I’ve made the Apple Surprise, my children would ask the Apple Surprise even before we head out to do our yearly apple picking. They would ask me to make this because they were looking forward to it so it became our tradition in my home.
I would share photos of my work on Facebook for years and my best friend decided one year to ask me to make this for one of her parties she hosted for her family and close friends. Her father was eyeing this as well so when I posted my work. He goes, “I hope your bringing some to the party this weekend. ” It became a buzz of excitement to try and they too couldn’t stop at one.
I am happy to share this recipe so you can bring everyone to your table with a buzz of excitement from my home to yours.
Not a photographer but I love taking photo of my work
NOTE –
Tablespoon = Tbsp
Teaspoons = Tsp
Apple Surprise Recipe –
Credit – My son, G picked Better Homes and Garden on their website
1 Package hot roll mix 16oz
1 cup – medium cooking apple, finely chopped
1/4 cup – mixed dried fruit bits or raisins (I tend to use raisins)
2 tbsp – brown sugar
1/2 tsp – ground cinnamon
Nonstick cooking spray
1/2 cup – sifted powdered sugar
2 tsp – milk
DIRECTION
Heat 375 degrees – Bake for 12 to 15 minutes or until golden.
Knead the dough; allow it to rest as direct.
In a small bowl for the filling, stir together apples, dried fruits bits or raisins of your choice, brown sugar and cinnamon.
Lightly coated two baking sheets with cooking spray. Set aside.
Divide the dough into 16 pieces. Flatten each piece into a 3 inch piece.
Spoon one rounded teaspoon of filling onto each circle.
Shape the dough around the filling to enclose, pulling dough until smooth and rounded.
Place rounded sides up, on greased baking sheet.
Cover and let rise in a warm place until nearly double in size. (About 30 minutes.)
Baked in 375 degrees oven for 12 to 18 minutes or until golden.
Cool slightly on cooling rack.
In a small bowl to create icing, stir together powdered sugar and milk to make drizzling consistency. Drizzle over rolls.
MY MINOR CHANGES DIRECTION –
I follow the triangular shape and enclose the filling inside without forming a circle. I just slide it into the oven without letting it rest, as that seems to work for me. I’ve found that if I let it sit, the longer the liquid seeps into the dough, the more the dough refuses to seal properly when I try to close it.
I recently joined Legal Shield world in August, 2020. Since we all were restricted to stay home during this pandemic, I joined so many zoom meetings, and jotting down information from the Deaf leaders. There was so much rich information that helps me to grow as a person and learning about the services that it was providing to the people.
On Feb 3, 2021, I became curious what it look like on the another side, the hearing world. What does their presentation look like and do they do similar system to what I’ve been learning with the Deaf leaders. The calendar that they’ve build within Legal Shield were filled with meetings and I decided to browse through to see what works for my schedule. That the part I like the most, I choose my own hours. I mean, who doesn’t! So I saw Mel Roberson’s and it works with my schedule so I jot the time in my planner. I reserve my spot and all I had to do was to show up.
At 9pm Eastern time zone, I pulled my phone next to the computer that I was using and made the volume go high enough that my phone was able to caption live. I sat back and watch the whole presentation. At the end of his presentation, he goes “My name is Mel Roberson. We got about 30 minutes until Chicago PD I was on. I don’t know. I can’t tell you what’s about to happen. You got it tuned in.” and my jaw literally dropped. I’m like… wait, YOUR a actor. NOOOO WAY!!! While he was chatting but my phone was still captioning so I could read later, I pulled up a website to quickly fact-check and sure enough, he was in it. I went back to zoom and my eyes just wide open. I couldn’t believe I was watching a guy who is a actor IN the part of Legal Shield. Wait, Whaaattttt?! I was in complete disbelief. I couldn’t watch Chicago Police at the time because I had no cable. The cable was cut off for 10 years or something at that point. I told myself, someday, I’m going to watch that show. Somehow. ((Note – I have the transcript of this very presentation that I actually printed it out and kept. ))
A month or two later, I follow his business page and I saw he was live-streaming through Facebook. That perk my curiosity so I hopped on. I was actually disappointed with Facebook for not providing closed caption and I realized it was them just chatting. I decided to hop off. Days after that, I couldn’t seem to ignore the urge to watch and I thought that was very weird feeling to have. A month later, I believe, he came back on live-streaming with his people and this time I decided to listen to my urge and just watch. I pulled up my phone app so it can do live-captioning. They were talking about being single and they were engaging with the audience. They asked us if we have any questions, we could ask. I was thinking, how often do they come across to a Deaf person. I go Eh, lets give it a shot. I asked the question if they would date with a Deaf woman. Someone in the chat was uhh, .. all I can say was rude. I was SO upset and I didn’t want to make Mel and his people to look bad so I left to respect their space. If those men have answered my question, still to this day, I have no idea and that is fine. But it is out there. The ” Deaf ” has been expose and that was my goal to raise awareness that there are Deaf people out there. It is not something to go HaHa about.
That night, I received a private message from one of the men apologizing, and I was honestly floored. The next day, I got another message, and this time it was from Mel. I had to stare at it, thinking, ‘Is he really talking to me?! Is this really happening?’ Once again, I was floored by his message. He, too, apologized. They told me that this person had been banned. In that moment, I felt they were my ally.
You have NO idea how much that means to me… well, maybe but as a Deaf person who has been push aside, made fun of, treat as a trash but that small action of saying, ” No, your behavior is wrong” may be very small but it means huge.
I don’t know celebrity in general, I admit. I’ve always vision celebrity are snob and I guess that what society’s influence my thinking. But in that instant when I felt I had an ally, that celebrity snob thoughts has been destroyed. I am eternally thankful that I had that moment with a celebrity to allow me to say, “No, that is not true.” After having that conversation with Mel, I had to think back to Jonathan Taylor Thomas who have repeatedly said in his interviews, he is just a person who just happen to be famous. I had to really sit down and remembering his words and Mel’s action. It really have changed my thinking how I view things even more.
In April, 2022, I was newly divorce and homeless. Legal Shield was celebrating 50th year anniversary in the state of Oklahoma. I had lived in Oklahoma near Tulsa area years earlier, and it have held a special place in my heart. 50 years celebration and it is at OKC, Oklahoma, You bet I’m going! I made plan with my good friend, A-Team that we would fly out to that amazing event.
On my traveling day, I flew out from Massachusetts to Oklahoma so while in flight, my hearing aids battery decided to act up. I recently changed the battery a week prior so I was shocked to hear the beeping noise notifying me that it was dying. Once landed, we dropped our bags at the hotel then ran to get ourselves registered then dive into meetings that was taken place that morning. During quick breaks, Will Fairy and I quickly discussed during the long break, we would get together to grab lunch and hunt down hearing aids battery so I don’t have to listen to the beeping anymore.
During the long break in between morning meeting and the afternoon meeting, Will Fairy and I stood outside waiting for our ride and had a interesting moment that would be share in another post eventually. We hopped into Uber and I shared the story with Will Fairy who couldn’t stop laughing after that. We grabbed the battery I needed. We quickly walked over to Mexican culture restaurant who was just about to closed for the day but kept open for us. I cannot ask for a better service and the food was delicious.
During my conversation with Will Fairy, Mel topic came up somehow and I share my special ally moment story. I told her that I wanted to say my thanks in person. Will Fairy’s jaw was honestly dropped because she couldn’t believe I didn’t share this story during in our many zooms meetings. I told her, I have no idea why I kept that story to myself but I did. She share her respect for Mel and told me that I am meeting him after afternoon meeting. We rushed back to our afternoon meeting because hunting for the battery in unfamiliar space actually took up a lot of our time so we were bit of a rush.
Afternoon meeting was done. Will Fairy tap my shoulder and say, ” lets go! ” and walked away. I’m like, “Wait, now?” in my head and I had no choice but to follow. My legs were shaking and my thinking was full of “Am I really doing this? Oh gawd, I see him, we’re actually doing this!” That was reeling in my head. During my walk over, I saw this woman standing by Mel’s DJing spot and my instant thought of her that she was beautiful. I had no idea who she was but I could see that Mel knew her. I looked away to watch Will Fairy’s back walking like in determination that we’re getting this done. I looked at the floor so I’m not bumping into anything and my mind was reeling. I was also trying to tell my legs to stop shaking. I was definitely nervous but it was something I felt needed to happen.
Will Fairy had a quick moment of hellos with Mel and then looked at me, signaling that I had something to say. She gave me a “Go. Do it.” gesture. Initially, I hadn’t planned to speak, but I was shaking inside. I knew that if I used American Sign Language (ASL), my signs would reveal my nervousness. I also realized that Mel might not understand if I signed, but I knew Will Fairy would interpret if needed. So, I immediately set aside the idea of signing and looked at Mel.
In that moment, my heart and mind aligned. I wanted him to hear my gratitude directly from me, from the heart. First, I asked if he remembered the situation that had come up, and he vaguely did. I struggled to find the words because I was feeling so much. Ultimately, I expressed my thanks.
He asked me if he could hug me and I … that share moment I had with him is not something I can explain into word. All I knew in that instant, he was a gem. A rare one. He found a way to come down from high space and embrace me into his open arms. I felt the hug was sincere and with respect.
Thank you Mel.
OKC April 2022
I went home after that trip and I held that moment close to my heart. Thank you Will Fairy for pushing me forward. This is something I will now forever cherished.
A year later, Charlotte NC in April, 2023, I made a goal in January during Burning Bowl experience that I wanted Mel and his soul-best friend, Monique who I grew to love through posts on Facebook. I wanted both of them to be people to present the ring when I successfully reach $50,000 commission goal. So with determination I have in my mind, I was ready to ask the question but finding the time to do it is when?
Wall of Why 2023
I was roommates with a few Deaf ladies and one hearing person. Throughout the trip, this hearing person turned our hearty laughter into frowns and frustrated faces. I was the youngest one among them, and this woman seemed to enjoy talking to me.
Then came that special night when Mel and his amazing friend hosted an event that was not related to the convention—a space where people gathered to share their deepest moments in a public setting. It was a space that needed to be held with respect and love, free from judgment. I felt it was important to honor that sacred space where they welcomed me to sit and listen. I had experienced something similar back in OKC when I went to support Mel. The things shared there earned my utmost respect, and I wanted those Deaf ladies and this hearing person to have that experience as well.
However, this hearing person pressed certain buttons, and I had to step out of the event for a bit to collect myself, but I couldn’t. I bawled privately. I simply couldn’t believe this hearing person had the nerve to disrupt the respectful space that I had come to love. It didn’t belong to me; it was theirs. I felt it was my role to listen quietly.
I sensed her white privilege strongly as she barged into the space, demanding things to be provided. I swallowed my pride and stood up to her, saying no. In that moment, I realized that if a hearing person entered a Deaf space and acted like that, I wouldn’t like it one bit. Her blatant display of white privilege was a jarring wake-up call for me.
Thankfully, that woman left, but I was feeling a whirlwind of emotions after days of being together, all crashing into one overwhelming moment. That flood of feelings is why I cried. I knew right then that she wasn’t someone I wanted to spend time with after going home. After taking a moment to myself, I was able to calm down enough to walk back to the table where the Deaf ladies were sitting. They instantly became concerned for my well-being, and I reassured them that I was okay.
The event started. The poems. The songs. And the moments that was shared from the community will forever remain close to our hearts because after that night, the Deaf ladies talks about it dayssss after. It was buzzing. I just had to sit back and let them take it in because they’re saying all the things I was saying and feeling a year prior. I was being thank over and over for welcoming them witnessing that beautiful event. Even a year later, they still go “Hey, remember that poetry night …. ”
The event took longer and we needed to sleep so before heading back to our place for the night, I wanted to grab my special moment with the beautiful couple, Mo and Mel before the next day. That is when everyone starts to fly home. I remember being shaking because I had a break-down moment just hours earlier and my courage to ask was building up to that point. It was out of my comfort zone but I knew it was something I need. I needed that goal. I want SO badly wanted to be them. They have became special people to my heart that I grew to love and adore. Without their knowledge, their posts on Facebook is something I look forward to because they both are r e a l. It can’t be said anything better than that. They are r e a l. I asked them to be the people to present the rings and both said yes. In that instant, all the bad days I was experiencing with this woman was gone. Instantly. That special moment with the Robersons became my another favorite.
Thank you Mo and Mel.
Photo credit: Monique. April 2023 in Charlotte, NC. This picture I printed out full size and framed.
We met again in Oklahoma City, April 2024. You came up to me like you were sneaking behind my back and close my eyes and say BOO. That how it felt in that moment which is pretty funny because it was day-light at Legal Shield headquarter. I could have seen you coming and I totally didn’t. I was surprise. I must have been totally into the conversation with someone who had my full focus. That hug, Mel. I can’t say enough about that hug of yours. Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me from afar. Thank you for being my ally. I hope I can be one of yours as well. I see you. You are one rare gem gentlemen. I hope I get to meet someone like you.
Happiest Happy Birthday, Mel.
MO! Don’t forget to hug him for me! ❤ I love you both!
I wrote few recent heavy stuff and it wasn’t intent to be that way to be one after another. I had to step back and really sit down with my emotions a little bit. I was also giving myself some needed love.
I just want to take a minute and tell you that I am okay. I’ve been watching a bit of Lethal Weapon TV show lately. That show is little funny. I don’t use paid streaming service anymore. So what tv show or movie that would you recommend me to watch?
In the month of August, I ran to ER because half of my face was swollen when I woke up one morning. I am also dealing with fraud cases which I’m currently consulting with experts. I know it was not a great month but I am okay. Just another hurtle to jump over.
Most recent photo of Ash
My Ash has been a little goof and he would cuddle with me whenever he sense that I needed a “hug.” Ash has very expressive face. I grew up with cats and I’ve never met more expressive than Ash. I’ve receive his DNA result and I am honestly surprised with the results. At the same time, it makes totally sense because no app or anyone could seem to identify exactly what breed he was. He is a combo of several things but the top four is that he is Broadly Western, Maine Coon, American Shorthair, and Ragdoll.
So expressive. That just melt my heart.
One last thing before I hop off because my oldest just asked me to join in an activity.
Happy ” belated ” Birthday, Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Your birthday was few days ago. I hope you had a great day catching fish where-ever your at.
TRIGGER WARNING – Please don’t continue if this is triggering. I am sharing some personal experiences that I have gone though that might be difficult for you to read. I am sending you with love and understanding that no one should have to go through this.
This is my story. This is not the race to see who has the most abuses experiences ever. I’m just speaking of my own experience, my stories, and my truth, that I’ve picked from my past to share.
One of my children asked me a very old question that has been asked for years. Who would you rather to be around in the middle of no-where, a bear or a guy? I answered, a male. The face of my child’s with my answer drained the color.
If you’ve asked me when I was 16 years old, I would’ve said Bear.
I’ve gone through so much in 40 years of my life. (At the time of the writing, I am only 40 and my birthday is in few days. Birthday was August 2nd.) I’ve been sexual assaulted, raped, beaten up, verbal abuse, mental abuse, audism abuse, emotionally abuse, financial abuse, and I was victim of bullied. I just learned that there is a passive abuse so add that to the list. There is a chance of spiritual abuse but I can’t confirm. I have got to the point that I didn’t know what was abuse and what was not. Yes, I am saying I have been brainwashed.
There was SO many people involved around me that was teaching me that this was not right. I had lost my belief. The core of identity of who I am as a person. I have gotten to the point I didn’t trust myself and/or any one around me. Literally. What kept me going was my children. My kids are the reasons I am still breathing today. I want to make sure they are protected and guide to the right path in life and my sincere hope for them is that they didn’t go through what I’ve gone through.
At age of 8, I was taking the school bus to a nearby Deaf school that I’ve gone to all my life. I’ve friended with all kind of ages of the students. The school I was attending was teaching kids from pre-k all the way to high school. This friend of mine was a Black, deaf male who seemed really chill guy. We talked daily during the school ride. One day, he decided to show up at the door and my sister, K answered. I was caught attention by my sister saying there was a person that was for me. At my house door, there was a hallway stairs right out of my house that you see in tv, I was basically in the house but outside of my home if that makes sense. I was at the bottom of the stairs and we just chatted for good few minutes. Being 8, I knew nothing about dating world or even having interests in other people being more than a friend. I had no idea that he was interested in me. I was assaulted by his making out with me and grabbing my bum without my permission. I remember feeling that was wrong and it didn’t sit right with me. I was confused. I had no idea what that was. It was messing with my head for a bit. I honestly can’t remember how I “escape” from that situation. I remember sharing this situation with my sister. My sister told me to tell this guy to stop so I did exactly that the next day. After that, he stopped but we remained friends.
I brush it off eventually and forgot about it but it is possibility that it was the beginning of my acting out, my distrust in others, and a burden of holding that secret because at the time, my mother had no idea. (To my knowledge.) I really did forgot about this whole situation until high school when someone mentioned they were also assaulted by the same person. Once we had that talk and it wasn’t discussed again after that. A friend who was also assaulted happen to see his obituary, which made her hunt down to figure out what have happen. She told me that he had some medical that came up which require him rushing to hospital but he didn’t make it. For me, it trigger the memory that was in a file in the back of my head bringing it to the frontal memory as I stare it happening in front of my eyes. I was able to sit with it and acknowledge that it wasn’t my fault at all. I was a kid. I had no idea. I was only 8 years old. That fault falls to this guy. I left it as that.
At age 15 or 16 until I was in my 20s, I became friends with over 50 people in yahoo chat that was popular during at that time. I felt I was pretty known in that room and it was going well. This one guy who I befriended with was struggling with his own relationship so I talked with him to help him in moving forward. I was meeting people off the internet regularly and I didn’t have any issues. My school was opening to public by displaying their drama, I believe it was called, “Fiddler on the Roof” so I invited people to see if we could generate some money and to help my school. He was only one out of crazy amount of people that I known in that yahoo chatroom to show up. He was approx 9 years older than me and we did have relationship at one point. This guy was a toxic white hearing male who plays emotions smooth-talker game. Out of all the relationships I had, he was the one that have cause the most traumatic experience. I have experienced mental, emotional and verbal abuse along with him throwing me in the jail for something I never did out of revenge because I called the police on him. He did have pills all over the kitchen table and he was intoxicated passed out with pills around him on the floor. So what was I suppose to think when I walked into the house seeing him in that state with my deaf best friend. Of course, call the damn 911 and that exactly what I did. Remember, he’s 9 years older than me and I was barely turn 18 at the time. The police came in, dumped the pills and talked with him. I collected my items and left the house with my best friend knowing this guy is in good hands of the police.
So when I got arrested few weeks later, I was in jail for only few hours because I made the ONE right call I was permitted to have. My best friend’s mother demanded that I was seen by the judge and to have me out of the jail. After talking to the judge what have happened and explaining the whole situation, by his order to put restraining order, I followed and did what I had to do. My abuser did not like that and hired himself a lawyer to slam the restraining order back on me. Anyway, his lawyer actually told me that they wish they have represented me after having a few quick chat with my mother then me when he put the stories pieces together of what have happened. This abuser is 6’2 tall probably and could weigh around 250ish while I was only barely a hair under of 5 foot tall weighing at 110 pounds. This dude claim I abused him by throwing the plate at him while that is not true. I actually slid the plate across the table which cause the spaghetti sauce got on his sleeve somehow. On that same day, he screamed behind me, throwing things, and banging his head on the wall due to the fact I wanted to go home to my mother who I didn’t see for a week or so. I missed her and I wanted to see my mother. I’ve dealt with his suicidal behavior, stalking, cyber-stalking, and smooth-talk his way into my world turning against me. Today, this name that belongs to him and is very common name, I cannot say that name out loud. It sends a fear down to my spine and I get choked up. It doesn’t matter if that name was belong to anyone else, I still cannot say that name. I have came up with nick-name that I can only say when I speak of him and those who knows the whole situation knows which abuser I spoke of.
The people that I grew up with actually did not believe my story and you have to imagine the day I made that hardest decision of my life was walking away from my… MY own identity as a deaf person. Even as right now, talking to Deaf people again, I’m shaky. Scare. Terrified. The reason I’m feeling these emotions is past could haunt me and hurt me again. BUT THAT (Deaf Identity) is my identity. I’m in the constant battle-ground with myself.
Back to that decision-making to walk away when I was maybe 20 years old, my husband at the time saw my world crumbled. He was on my side and told me he would stand by me and walk with me. I’ve never cried so hard like that day again after that when I made that decision. I cried until there was no liquid anywhere in my body and my body shook violently. My heart was ripped out of my chest as I stare at my children knowing I had to make that decision. My children is my world and I cannot put them in danger. The whole drama that this event part of my life that it holds have to stop. I knew I cannot be a best mom if I continue being constant fighting with people for my truth. I had to walk away. That was … hard. My world truly crushed. As I type at the moment, I’m in tears. For those who actually did not believe me during that time and comes running to me years later trying to apologize. I am sorry to tell you “NO thanks, you will NOT apologize. YOU have NO idea what you have done. “
I’m going to state that I do acknowledge that the behavior he have done belongs to him. Whatever I did as a teen, I was a damn teenager and I had no idea what I was looking at. This dude was 9 years older than me AND BY the way, he did know my actual age. I did NOT hide that fact from him. He did go to my school seeing other kids there. He knew I was a student there. He should have known better not to get involve with children who were under 18.
One last thing, I didn’t graduated high school because of that guy. I actually did not feel safe in that school because the staff admitted they couldn’t do more to protect me. And the bullying in that school was already bad enough but that stalking push over the edge is the reason why I walked away. So to the schools, DO better.
To the people who believes my stories which are VERY few people stood by my side, all I can say is Thank you. It means more than you ever know.
So, with the question above, I’ve already gone through them. I survived so what the 5th or 6th person going to do to me because I have been abused in so many ways and I’m still here. Bear is huge and very strong. I am no match for the bear. The bear is probably going to see me as their meal while more likely, the human doesn’t. The human is going to want me to cook their meal and clean the house.
With the writing of this post, it has took several days adding, removing and editing. It is hardest post to write. I’m sharing some heavy stuff. There are more abuses that I’ve dealt with but this pretty much paint the picture of what abuse could do to the person and the mental state that could put the person into.
When you say hello, you have NO idea what that person had gone thru few seconds ago, a few minutes ago, an hour or even yesterday. Don’t forget last week or even a month ago. Lets not forget there might be something in their past that they’re holding a heavy burden secret that are heavy weight. Every journey is different. Every experience, and every emotions that the person had gone thru – you have no idea.
Please stay kind.
To those who actually gone thru something huge, please know that you are valid.
As summer ends and cold temperature will be here before we know it. Today, I’ve been reflecting on the definition of “family” in light of the upcoming holidays.
According to Google, family is defined as “a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage” and can also refer to “friends and family who provide support.”
Unfortunately, I don’t feel supported by many family members. Instead, I often encounter with silence until they wanted something from me, ghosting, criticism without constructive guidance, a dismissive ‘I know what I’m talking about’ attitude, eye-rolling, and comments like ‘you should have listened,’ all accompanied by a general negative vibe. Many people have doubted the stories I’ve shared, but when they see the evidence I present, their attitude shifts.
I have became fearful, unsure, low self-esteem, outspoken, frustrated, not being heard, very angry, rebellion, repeated the cycle of the same-ness situation that seem to be showing up over and over during my growing up. Honestly, looking back at my past, I dislike her so much to the point, it disgust me looking at myself in the mirror. However, I also recognize that some of my past behavior was understandable given the circumstances.
IknowI am a human being and mistakes will be and has been made.
What I know now moving forward, I am and I have been making a lot of progress in my personal growth. In my previous state, I had an amazing support system. There was several different people sat down with me bringing certain things about me or the situation to my attention saying that isn’t right. Here what you can do if this is something you would like to do and they gave me options. What I discovered about myself is to talk them out then seeing what fits me best helps to shape my choices that I was willing to make. Understanding my past self has helped me identify behaviors I want to avoid.
So, as a supporter to myself and to my children, and as a family unit, I am taking what I know now and continuing moving forward, making an effort to become a better person both to those around me and in the cyber world and to be a better Momma. I plan to hold myself accountable and recognize that change is an ongoing process. I understand that evolving and improving is a continuous journey.
It’s never too late to make changes, regardless of your age. I want to encourage everyone to reflect on what type of person they want to be and consider the changes they are willing to make for themselves and those around them.
I will admit, I looked around to see what would be a great question to answer and this shows up. Ooh. That is a tough question.
My immediate answer is: Momma.
I can’t exactly remember how old I was when I someday wanted to be a Mom and I actually grew up thinking I wouldn’t be a Mom. I always believe that I wasn’t on anybody radar to be a friend with. Well, I have two beautiful children and I had almost 20 years relationship with this guy who is no longer in my life today. I thank him wholeheartedly for giving me two beautiful children. (Note: I want to acknowledge the parenting of the children upbringing, I cannot speak for him. I can only speak for myself and me only. ) My children are so different from each other and they have some same interests. Their relationships with each other is something I am so proud of because they have stronger relationship with each other than I had with some of my sisters. Its like… I did that. I have had people coming to me saying “Wow, your children are so polite. How did you do that?” Well, I was their role model and I had to display whatever I say, I show the same. For example if I tell my children not to swear then I don’t do it either. You know the motto “Monkey Sees, Monkey Do” I actually made it to my own, “Kids Sees, Kids Do.” and that motto for me worked.
I also applied / poured into my children that quote and they would rolls their eyes at me when they got to pre-teen ages but they still applied it to their life today “Treat Others The Way You Wanted To Be Treated.” I really poured so much of that because I was badly bullied growing up and I tolerated none of that from my children. My children are VERY aware because they did test me and regretted that decision.
Everyone is unique in your own way. Whatever weakest may be someone else’s strongest may help you, and teaches you. Your strongest skills may help others and use that to teach them. That is another one I applied on my children.
So, back to the question, What I like about myself. Ha. Umm. For a long time, I’ve been told I was non-judgemental person but a uptight person. Well, I was uptight because I was being bullied about what I looked like, my upbringing, I was liar, I was paranoid, I was this and that. No one seems to understand I am who I am. There were many times I wasn’t lying. I was only speaking of my own truth and what I saw. I may hear things differently or saw something that you guys did not see. Of course, I may read things (body language, the situation, and of course, conversation) differently than you would have. I am me. Now I sound dumb because I now ask for clarify on things. I now trying to stop assuming things. “Oh, You Know” No I don’t know because your experiences and your point of view is largely different than mine. I don’t know. I want YOU to tell me. So yea, I sounded stupid but honestly, at this point of my life, I don’t care if I sounded that way because I am learning.
I had very limited social life for several years so I was pretty shut off from the world because I either choose to and/or I had limited choices at that time of my life. Social skills are something I will openly admit, I suck. at. it. And I need help. I’m learning daily. As a Deaf person, I can speak but I don’t know how to start the conversation sometimes and/or even control the conversation. I’m just awkward in that area. I’m noticing in the past few couple years but more so, recently now speaking to people outside of my home that I was not very clear on what I wanted to say. I am noticing that I was half-clear and it has cause several misunderstanding which I take accountability for. I do wish people have bring it to my attention. I would very much like people to WANT to clarify things with me to make sure that we are on the same page.
So, what do I like about myself – again, its Mom. I dealt with so much bullying in my childhood from school and even at home. I felt I was pretty push aside at home and events that we, as a family, went to. I am the fifth child and the baby of the five girls so its understandable that they had their lives. As a fifth child, there are several things that I strongly believe plays roles in my relationships and honestly, that shouldn’t have been the reasons. There is good chance that it wasn’t intent to be that way but on my end, I see it daily. Even my own children sees something was off in my relationships and they came to me with their own feelings which validate so much of my growing up. When I expressed those feelings and I was told, that was all in my head and yet, my own children are feeling the same exact emotions I felt. I’ll openly say that I actually cried for them and for myself for dealing with this and we should not have to.
I was searching my own identity. I really did have that black hole .. uhh, a missing puzzle piece that I felt was big enough – bigger than me that I felt was needed to be answered. Few years ago, I found that puzzle piece and I’m happy to report that I felt more calmer. Questions around that piece has the 75 percent answered but if those 25 percent wouldn’t be answered in my lifetime, that is okay because the big question I was searching for is done. Thank you DNA.
Umm.. So, what do I like about myself – ha. I’m just another human being. I’m no one special. Why do anyone wants to hang with me? Honestly, I don’t know. So yea, family and friends – Surprise. I do feel this strongly about myself. This is partly why I’m here away from home to discover myself and I’m on a journey to find me as me. I don’t need my childhood BS to control me. The drama is crap. Seriously, why upset on every bitty things. Spending time with someone you love should be more than that. The anger and the hidden truth … it steals the person and keeping them from who they could have become. It has stole me. For a long time. But I will not deal with the BS. I’m so done with that.
I’m learning to listen more. I’m trying so hard to keep my mouth shut and listen. That is SO much needed in the today world. There are so many people seeking validation. I’m one of them. I admit.
I’m going to stop right now. I’m feeling a lot right now. To my family and friends, I love you. To my children, you are the reason I am still breathing today to the deepest core of my being. ❤ I am proud to be your Momma. I love you.
DeafAmanda 