DeafAmanda

Author: DeafAmanda

  • What do I like of myself?

    What do I like of myself?

    I will admit, I looked around to see what would be a great question to answer and this shows up. Ooh. That is a tough question.

    My immediate answer is: Momma.

    I can’t exactly remember how old I was when I someday wanted to be a Mom and I actually grew up thinking I wouldn’t be a Mom. I always believe that I wasn’t on anybody radar to be a friend with. Well, I have two beautiful children and I had almost 20 years relationship with this guy who is no longer in my life today. I thank him wholeheartedly for giving me two beautiful children. (Note: I want to acknowledge the parenting of the children upbringing, I cannot speak for him. I can only speak for myself and me only. ) My children are so different from each other and they have some same interests. Their relationships with each other is something I am so proud of because they have stronger relationship with each other than I had with some of my sisters. Its like… I did that. I have had people coming to me saying “Wow, your children are so polite. How did you do that?” Well, I was their role model and I had to display whatever I say, I show the same. For example if I tell my children not to swear then I don’t do it either. You know the motto “Monkey Sees, Monkey Do” I actually made it to my own, “Kids Sees, Kids Do.” and that motto for me worked.

    I also applied / poured into my children that quote and they would rolls their eyes at me when they got to pre-teen ages but they still applied it to their life today “Treat Others The Way You Wanted To Be Treated.” I really poured so much of that because I was badly bullied growing up and I tolerated none of that from my children. My children are VERY aware because they did test me and regretted that decision.

    Everyone is unique in your own way. Whatever weakest may be someone else’s strongest may help you, and teaches you. Your strongest skills may help others and use that to teach them. That is another one I applied on my children.

    So, back to the question, What I like about myself. Ha. Umm. For a long time, I’ve been told I was non-judgemental person but a uptight person. Well, I was uptight because I was being bullied about what I looked like, my upbringing, I was liar, I was paranoid, I was this and that. No one seems to understand I am who I am. There were many times I wasn’t lying. I was only speaking of my own truth and what I saw. I may hear things differently or saw something that you guys did not see. Of course, I may read things (body language, the situation, and of course, conversation) differently than you would have. I am me. Now I sound dumb because I now ask for clarify on things. I now trying to stop assuming things. “Oh, You Know” No I don’t know because your experiences and your point of view is largely different than mine. I don’t know. I want YOU to tell me. So yea, I sounded stupid but honestly, at this point of my life, I don’t care if I sounded that way because I am learning.

    I had very limited social life for several years so I was pretty shut off from the world because I either choose to and/or I had limited choices at that time of my life. Social skills are something I will openly admit, I suck. at. it. And I need help. I’m learning daily. As a Deaf person, I can speak but I don’t know how to start the conversation sometimes and/or even control the conversation. I’m just awkward in that area. I’m noticing in the past few couple years but more so, recently now speaking to people outside of my home that I was not very clear on what I wanted to say. I am noticing that I was half-clear and it has cause several misunderstanding which I take accountability for. I do wish people have bring it to my attention. I would very much like people to WANT to clarify things with me to make sure that we are on the same page.

    So, what do I like about myself – again, its Mom. I dealt with so much bullying in my childhood from school and even at home. I felt I was pretty push aside at home and events that we, as a family, went to. I am the fifth child and the baby of the five girls so its understandable that they had their lives. As a fifth child, there are several things that I strongly believe plays roles in my relationships and honestly, that shouldn’t have been the reasons. There is good chance that it wasn’t intent to be that way but on my end, I see it daily. Even my own children sees something was off in my relationships and they came to me with their own feelings which validate so much of my growing up. When I expressed those feelings and I was told, that was all in my head and yet, my own children are feeling the same exact emotions I felt. I’ll openly say that I actually cried for them and for myself for dealing with this and we should not have to.

    I was searching my own identity. I really did have that black hole .. uhh, a missing puzzle piece that I felt was big enough – bigger than me that I felt was needed to be answered. Few years ago, I found that puzzle piece and I’m happy to report that I felt more calmer. Questions around that piece has the 75 percent answered but if those 25 percent wouldn’t be answered in my lifetime, that is okay because the big question I was searching for is done. Thank you DNA.

    Umm.. So, what do I like about myself – ha. I’m just another human being. I’m no one special. Why do anyone wants to hang with me? Honestly, I don’t know. So yea, family and friends – Surprise. I do feel this strongly about myself. This is partly why I’m here away from home to discover myself and I’m on a journey to find me as me. I don’t need my childhood BS to control me. The drama is crap. Seriously, why upset on every bitty things. Spending time with someone you love should be more than that. The anger and the hidden truth … it steals the person and keeping them from who they could have become. It has stole me. For a long time. But I will not deal with the BS. I’m so done with that.

    I’m learning to listen more. I’m trying so hard to keep my mouth shut and listen. That is SO much needed in the today world. There are so many people seeking validation. I’m one of them. I admit.

    I’m going to stop right now. I’m feeling a lot right now. To my family and friends, I love you. To my children, you are the reason I am still breathing today to the deepest core of my being. ❤ I am proud to be your Momma. I love you.

  • Beautiful soul to walk on earth,

    Beautiful soul to walk on earth,

    My Friend, Laura have came in my life when she walked into the classroom I was in during high school days. Now, in the Deaf school that I was attending, everybody knows everybody so if there is a new person comes in, we immediately know about it. There is no secret so if you tries to hide a secret, good luck maintaining that unless you kept your mouth shut or in this case, don’t use sign language anywhere in that building or to anybody. You know the saying, in the small town, there are no secrets because somebody knows something, it is pretty almost identical in the Deaf school environment.

    My immediate judgement of her book-cover was that she was quiet but a little snob. As a high schooler, I would get information from other friends pretty much bad-mouthing about her and things that she have done to other friends, I didn’t agreed with. After that, I stay polite but pretty much stayed away from her. That is pretty much the extend of my friendship during high school.

    Years goes by, Laura was dating with this guy who happen to have same name as my former-husband, Daniel. I actually do not remember if I start talking to her again before or after I had my 2nd child but I’m starting to believe it was after I had my 2nd child. I was married at the time. Laura was trying to form a family of her own at the time. We somehow linked up through social media and just started talking through private messages.

    Laura living in Florida while I pretty much bouncing between states because of my husband’s (at the time) work, so without listing them all, I’ll list the last two, Massachusetts which is east coast of USA, then currently, in Illinois are in central-ish northern part of USA. My divorce to my husband has happened in Massachusetts and I personally decided to move to Illinois. Anyway, before Laura and I became close, we had to clear up some air to have a better understanding what happen during the high school days. Once we did that and shortly after, Laura and I were faced with some heavy life stuff ourselves and we just happen to be there during those moments. We share many comforts in knowing that we journey certain things in life together miles apart and experiencing them unexpectedly months of each other. There was some hardships, laughing moments, crying, sadness, smiling, memory down the lane stories, in your face truth, feedbacks, opinions, motherly nagging being thrown in there somewhere, hard decisions making, and honestly, I cannot ask a better friend than Laura. This beautiful soul, Laura experienced her own pregnancies, and birth of her children and the life trials was thrown at her is something I would admire her for, the bravery and the struggle to keep putting one foot in front of another.

    Laura and I tried our own home-businesses personally to try to create some money flow. We tried our couponing website together when it becomes a big thing during that time. There was death in families, animals we love, and school staffs/students since high school days – we were able to be there when we could in the cyber world. Laura kept in touch with certain people from the school days start to realized that Laura has a direct contact with me, trying to reach me which I choose to denied my relationship with these people. Laura and I can go for months without contact then linked up like we had been chatting daily all along.

    Laura and I in summer, 2015 while my mini-family stopped by during our trip to Disney.

    I was honestly stunned and surprise to find out I was invited to Laura and Justin’s wedding. And to find out I was the only person from the school to be invited, I was floored. For some reason, I always thought she had a stronger friendship relationship with someone else and I wouldn’t be invited. It is something that I personally struggle with because I’ve always felt I wasn’t a great friend to anyone. So being asked was a great honor to attend and witness the most treasure moment between two beautiful people becoming as one will not be something I would forget.

    First thing first, Thank you, Laura, for being there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry after discovering a beautiful human being has passed away during my traveling and giving me the hugs I most needed when I arrived. That was totally unexpected news to receive during my traveling. I love you, Laura. Thank you. The wedding itself was beautiful. It was done in a local galaxy space and their set up was perfect. Laura’s dress was perfect. Laura was beautiful. I must say Justin was very handsome. I am very glad to meet Justin in person and see what he is like. I can see why Laura is in love and I’m .. I can’t put it in words because from what I saw in Laura in high school days then pre-wedding seeing her being in love is … word-less, but galaxy of priceless sight to see. Those giggles you both share. Hand holding moments. Just beautiful. It is something I would forever cherish the memory input in my brain.

    I thank you Laura and I’m truly am bless to have you in my life being my best friend. I treasure you and I appreciate you. I love you, Laura.

    With Love,

  • August 2024

    August 2024

    Hello Readers,

    My children and I have moved into another apartment. It was very exhausting to transferring our things, our bills, cancelling certain companies, packing and unpacking, and making some runs. I ended up in the Emergency Room in the hospital during moving day, and I am okay and recovering. My children are completely fine. The cats, Ash and Calcifer are doing extremely well at the moment. It took about couple days before the kitties realized they are home and they’re not going anywhere.

    August 6, 2024 – Before the move

    Those two are like the best buds and would go near each other whenever they’re nervous. Right now, they are lounging somewhere.

    Here is Ash post-move.

    Look at that face! ❤

    Just wanted to give you guys a quick update before I go back to more unpacking and I’m still working on few things. I will be back when I can. Have a safe summer, everyone.

    Until then,

  • Birthday Spark

    Birthday Spark

    It’s ‘I Am Me’s’ special day on August 2nd! Join us as we celebrate the journey and look forward to even greater adventures ahead!

    2016 photo of me with my Dunkin’ Donuts birthday drink.
    Thank you Dunkin’

    With Love,

  • City Rain Perfumed Memories

    City Rain Perfumed Memories

    I was living in Providence, Rhode Island as a small child at the time. The murky yellow and icky brown colored apartment was at the intersection.

    We hear sirens constantly to the point where they becomes a background noise. Cars, motorcycles, buses, and random trucks becoming comforting because it entertaining me by watching people doing their thing. I do remember hating motorcycles because how loud they could get in the summer; I am fascinated by the motorcycle artwork designs. There were constant foot traffic on the sidewalk below because there was a convenience store underneath of my apartment. There were a Fish and Chip restaurant at the another side of the intersection that we would order dinner there whenever my mother was not in the mood to cook which is very rare for us. Occasionally, we would hear airplanes, and helicopters flying above us from the nearby airports.

    On rainy days, the street would sometimes oddly quiet down. The smell of the rain was refreshing during summer, yet at the same time gloomy. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to play outside in the rain, but it provided a nice break from the humidity and heat since we didn’t have air conditioning; we relied on open windows for a cooling breeze. On sunny days, my sister, K and I would hook up the hose to cool ourselves down in the backyard and make games out of it.

    Whenever the nature decide to pour rain in Providence, I would stand at bay window staring out of right side window for an hour or two. I’d be silent, watching the street below or into the distance, my mind just calmed to no thoughts at times. I would hunt down rain drops to watch, or the water overflowing from gutters from different houses, the impact of rain hitting the vehicles passing by or random rooftops. It capture my attention just watching while I can hear out of my hearing aids on how heavy to the lightness pour from the open sky.

    There has been times my family would call my name several times until they had to shout to get my attention. The entrance of the house was maybe a foot away from me, so there has been visitors that came in without me noticing. The vibration, the sounds behind me, and whatever was happening behind me didn’t capture my attention until I look around me to see what was going on. I cannot count how many times I would ask what time it was and realized so much time had passed; It often feel like it was only 10 to 15 minutes. The rain has calming effects on me and that apartment is only place I can remember I would go into that zone.

    Rainy night were the best. The gentle breeze and the cool night air helped to cool down the apartment. I enjoy rainy weather and would grin as I breathed in at bedtime.

    Have you experience a moment like this with the raining zone?

    Photo Credit – Photos posted here are not mine.

  • Play Arcade

    Play Arcade

    I saw their store front window that being painted into 80s and 90s classic games. I looked inside and realized it is arcade. My mind went flying colors on who would love to walk into this amazing place.

    Several months later, I walked in with my date for the first time and we were floored by amazing artwork and the classics that was on the walls, and the games. They had JAWS playing on the television for anyone who wants to watch. The music was lively. My date and I decided to sit down and have a meal first so I decided on a burger and fries while my date settled on pizza. We were thrilled with our foods and we couldn’t stop eating them after the food arrived. Seriously, look at those Tetris tots shapes! I love it!

    That was on a date with a guy who helps me realizing that I was able to love someone again. This person is no longer in my life.

    Here are few photos I took from different visits altogether.

    Those signs are constant changes and I just love the greeting art.

    Yoshi and Kirby! My two favorite characters!

    Aero Fighters
    Pac Man. Galaga.

    After eating, we walked around and played some classic games. We were having a blast. There was some games that I have not seen for years and that was definitely nostalgic. I’m not going to spoil by detailing everything because I definitely want you there in person and experience the experiences like I did. I will share a few examples such as…They do have board games, and NES and other devices, you could play but have to ask bartender permission so there isn’t any overlap requests. Classic games such as Jenga, Clues, Monopoly and more. For the NES, MARIO BROTHERS! How can you not love those Mario Brothers. I did not have a chance to play NES and/or any other devices there because there is always someone using it.

    The greeter, bartenders, the staff, the waitress were all friendly. Once they realized I am Deaf, they would try to accommodate communicate with me to the best of their ability.

    After that day, I start bringing in different people and all were floored by this amazing place. Children would enjoy this space and I’ve seen people bring their little ones there. They seems greatly enjoyed as much as the adults did. I would stop in by myself to drink a glass or two every Fridays and without fail, those workers would greeted me with a wave and asked how my week were. Every week with their amazing creativity that I love, they would have drinks and foods themed to match.

    Those poster, food and drink photos are owned by Play Arcade and this is one example of their drinks/food special for that week back in Jan, 2024. Look HOW good those looks!

    All year, they have karaoke night, trivia night and few others events that they regularly host. I also want to add, they are largely supportive of a small businesses and I appreciate that whole heartedly.

    In the summer, they have this beautiful balcony on their rooftop that looks over the city to the beautiful nearby ocean. Just pure beauty.

    Photo Credit: Play Arcade

    I cannot say enough about this and I do miss this place. I am no longer in the area anymore but whenever I’m in the area in the future, this is one of must-stop places to go.

    This is in Massachusetts, USA in the city of New Bedford. So if you happen to be in the area, definitely check this place out.

    Here are their link

    I will be back, Play Arcade! ❤

  • Purple Jewelry Set

    Purple Jewelry Set

    I walked into the mall with a set plan to purchase a beautiful jewelry and I was leaning toward the color purple. I walked into this store with excitement, and nervous because in few weeks, I was getting ready to fly out of the state. I was going to meet new people and I had no idea what to expect. It was my very first business convention. I have heard many good things about the convention and heard good stories from my good friends who had went a year prior. I was very curious what it would look like for me.

    A consultant said something and I looked up because I heard her voice as if she was talking to me. I pointed my ear and said I was Deaf.

    Yes, I am legally hard of hearing but I tell everyone I’m Deaf so people would stop assuming I can hear them as if they talked normally. LET’S not forget I was in living in Massachusetts! Do you have any idea how fast these people talk?! So I would have to tell them I’m Deaf so they would pause at whatever they’re attempting to do. I would explain how much I would understand as long as they eye-contact and allowing me to lip-read. Once she and I had the understanding by removing the communication barrier and we continue our consultant to customer relationship.

    She was asking me what I was looking for and why I was searching for that type of jewelry. I explained my story and she pointed in a different areas that I may like. I wanted a special kind of jewelry that would match the business celebration of 50th year anniversary.

    I was surprise that I was able to try on few necklaces from the glass cases. I have never experience jewelry directly from the case. I was enjoying the experience that I often seen on television as if I was rich person. I communicate my fear, and unsure what it was appropriate for the convention as it being my first. She pointed couple other ones that I didn’t see and I saw one of the set was perfect. I pointed out which one I like and asked her if it was alright for me to test it out. She pulled the beautiful set from the case and help to put them on me. I looked at the mirror and said this is the one.

    She and I communicate about the payment and I agree to sign up for their store credit card. I wrote out my information so she could fill it in her computer screen so I can apply the card. I had my phone on the glass case and it vibrated pretty loud. I was embarrassed that it was pretty loud and picked it up quickly. Consultant looked over at me then looked back on her screen.

    I had notification alarming me to let me know that someone was using my information at this store at this time. ” Please confirm Yes or No if this was you? ” I looked up at the consultant and she was still filling in the information and she was not even done. My eyes got big and thought ” Woah! That is one amazing service to allow me to put my mind at ease. ” I wouldn’t have to worry. It is like my burden lift and I knew I was in a good hand with this amazing service we call, ” IDShield ” and knew that I am not going anywhere.

    This app in the palm of my hands helps me not to become one of many victims today and it is for all people. I love the fact that I am able to check my app, ID Shield to see my credit score, my identity being protected such as SSN, monitoring sex offenders, and more.

    If you know someone who needs this services, please share this link to your loved ones.

  • Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming

    Oh, Hi Dory! Nice to meet you, beautiful blue fishy.

    I have been dunking and/or pulled under in the water several times a year for more than 10 years now. It starts with mild stages as it increase the intensity before I realized I was gulping in some water.

    I am not going to stop swimming.

    I refuse to allow let shark bites, jelly fish stings and peacock mantis shrimp punches stopping me from swimming and stay above the water.

    But…

    I am so tired. I want to sleep. My energy is diminishing to nothing. No. I must keep swimming because I have people who needs me at the shore. I got to keep my eyes open and keep going. I have people who supported me, carried me on their shoulders when I needed it the most. Keep on swimming is what I’ll shall do.

    The pictures are taken at Cape Cod areas in Massachusetts. They are my photos I took.

    One day, I’ll be able to sit on the sand, with a big gulp of air as the water dripping off me. Heart races will continue to slow as I grasp the air filling up into my lungs. The body shakes slowly slowed as my brain seems to grasp the fact that I’m sitting on the warm gritty sands. Sun shining against my skin as it warmed. Taking in the sight of beautiful green leaves on the trees depending on where I land in the world. The buildings surrounding the trees line. As I look back at the water as it touches the beautiful soft blue sky. I grab my knees close to my chest and look back at the water and see how much I’ve swim across the ocean.

    I am not going to stop swimming because I know one day, I’ll be able to stand at the shoreline screaming “I made it!” at the top of my lungs.

    I am going to get there. One. Day.