In the beginning of January, 2025 of this year, I came up with the word, Optimistic for my word of the year. That word pretty much went through the window like it was a trash. There was many struggles, frustration, self-bullying, anxiety loads and I mean anxiety LOADS, and there are definitely depression tangle in this mess. There was struggles with mental, physical and spiritual.

As I write on December 2nd, I felt that I couldn’t continue to write because I was honestly tired coming here to write negative things that was happening in my life. I just wanted it to stop.

I will celebrate my small wins such as …

One breakthrough I had was with myself: I built confidence in my gaming skills. I learned how to use a new controller, and I taught myself how to play using a keyboard and mouse in game mode. That may sound small to some people, but it mattered to me.

I had a break-through with myself that I picked up a painting kit which will be gifted to this nice person. I am proud of my work and I’m getting good compliment. To be honest, as I painted and putting them together, I was going through lot of negative emotions. It doesn’t matter what craft projects I had in my hand, I was told it was a kid project. I had a lot of stiff-ness moment where I just can’t move. I told myself through this journey, ” He is not here and F U!” This is my apartment. He isn’t allowed here. I can do whatever I want. I saw my friend made beautiful art project and she seems really enjoying it. As I put them together, I find myself enjoying it as well. Thank you Friend!

I have lost my 3rd baby back in 2009.

Sometime around 2018, I met a sweet woman through the cyber world who had lost her son, Johbis. Johbis lost his life to AVM. He was only four years old. I remember how deeply it impacted me, and I told her I would help share his tribute.

That promise was shut down immediately by my ex—who was my husband at the time—when he refused to purchase the dinosaurs that were meant to be attached and shared. But I promised myself that one day, somehow, I would get them out into the world. I held onto those memory cards close to my heart for years.

Today, I finally did it.

I purchased the dinosaurs, attached them, bagged them, and they are ready to go the next time I head out.

Johbis Keita
November 1, 2013 – March 15, 2018
You are forever remembered.
ROAR! (It means “I love you.”)

In the past six months, I’ve been struggling with insomnia and trying my best to manage it. But in the last two of those months, my body hit a wall—I just couldn’t keep fighting it. I even had to stop physical therapy because I kept canceling appointments. I knew I needed to continue, but canceling over and over didn’t feel right, so I stepped back entirely. My sleep cycle completely unraveled: I’d stay up all night and sleep during the day, which eventually turned into four hours at night and four hours during the day. That chaotic pattern lasted about three weeks, but thankfully I’m finally back to a regular sleep schedule.

Today, it is Jan 9, 2026 ….

damn, its 2026. Its 2026?! Time flies!

Happy New Year.

Right before Christmas, I had to go to ER due to suspecting a possible strep throat so I needed the prescription for it. I was definitely not expecting to discover I have been busted by COVID. I had escape COVID for 5 years so this is my very first COVID experience. I am not liking this one bit at all. Moly!

I’m negative now, but there are lingering effects: extreme exhaustion after even small activities like washing dishes, and a cough that refuses to leave. Luckily, I already have a doctor’s appointment later this month for something else, so we’ll address it then.

One day at a time.

The reason I have this photo is because I was in communication with my sister to show her that I am, in fact, in ER. I wanted her to know every medical I have so when I cannot speak for myself, she is well-informed and aware of what I want. I love you, Sis!

December 28th, we lost another family member that has me stunned, and surprised. You really don’t know your tomorrow. Appreciate the minute, the hour, and the day as long as you take the next breath. I will embrace knowing that he is now with his son, JT who we lost back in April, going to fishing together again and share some laugh.

As for my 2026, I have found my word of the year and I felt it was time for me to let things go. I feel ready. This is going to be a difficult year for me because I am going to have to face and confront those negative things that I held to close. It needs to go. It is time for me to release them and receive the good things. Acknowledging the things that I ” deserve ” them is going to be hard. I can flat out saying this because I don’t think I deserve any of it. I have been told I am amazing. I have been told I am good person, or a friend to them. I have been told I do amazing job. But those words, I quickly throw them under the rug because I don’t think I am that person. I never think I am a good enough. I never think I am equal. It is time to release those negative feeling and say yes, I am enough. It is time to ” RELEASE ”

Now I need to kick this COVID out of my body and rest up.

Before I go, I want to acknowledge that today—January 9th—is my oldest’s birthday. Out of respect for my children’s wishes, I won’t share any details. I’ll simply say this: Happy Birthday, Mini-Me. I love you always.

Thank you for choosing to read my blog today.

ROAR,