As April has arrived, I had made an appt. with a local hair salon because in the month of March, I felt I needed something to look forward to. Off I went to the hair place and got my hair done, I asked how much the cost it was, the person who was cutting my hair said it has been paid for by another customer. I was shocked and surprised that this customer was kind enough to pay. Whoever this person is and if she is reading this – Thank you.

In the month of April was filled with contacting doctors and health insurances which have left me anxiety, confusion, lost, frustration, and overwhelming. I finally reached out to a very good friend who direct me to a right direction. Thank you, friend!

I had one morning where I vividly remembered a dream that left me feeling deeply sad, incredibly angry, oddly understanding—and then suddenly, a lightbulb went off. I realized certain emotional triggers that explained why I felt the way I did. Life threw me into situations that left me filled with worry, distraction, distress, and a fragile sense of hope. I tried to stay optimistic, to look on the bright side, but was only met with loss and despair. There was no space to grieve. Instead, I channeled my grief into more worry, helplessness, and fear especially the fear of losing someone else. For eleven months, I watched a loved one’s health deteriorate before my eyes, just as you did. And just as they began to recover—just as I finally started to come up for air, to breathe, to relax—my world was turned upside down once again by the unexpected.

I am angry that I wasn’t supported or even acknowledged for trying to maintain a positive attitude while negativity hovered over all of us for three years. I was already struggling with depression and anxiety, but I held on. I stayed strong as I could. The willingness to throw our relationship away is something I can’t understand. I gave my adulthood to this. I gave praise. I offered support. I encouraged. I had your back. I was grateful we could provide a home for three others, including their beautiful dog. I was grateful we had a yard where the kids could run free. I was grateful we had a space where family and friends could gather. But then, I was thrown off a cliff—left to see if I could swim.

Well, I am swimming but without you by my side.

I’ve endured so much over the past five years—more than you’ll ever know. And the strength I found didn’t come from you. It came from those who stood behind me. People became more supportive than you ever were. They showed me resources. They praised me in ways I never experienced with you. I am, and will never be, perfect. I have flaws. I’ve made mistakes, and I own them.

You. I can only wish you the best—and send my love from afar. But I’m done. Done supporting you. Done praising you. Done having your back. Now, I can only watch as you face the consequences of your choices. I wish you luck and happiness… from afar.

I ordered my very first bookshelf and put them together with the help of my son. I was enjoying my time with my boy while dealing with sciatica but I kept going. As the result was done, I was able to store things and free up space which left me proud, self-praising, and the view of my children’s face at the result was more than enough. As I fall asleep at night now, I find myself making goals, making the list, and just smiling. I’ve toss out so many things which have left me feeling freeing, uplift, and again, making more goals completed.

I woke up to a message one morning which I was face-smacked that a family member has passed away and I had no idea he was fighting with a intense medical condition. I grieved and remembered different things throughout the week.

I celebrated few April birthdays with new friends that I’ve made on Twitch. In the month of April, I was suppose to be in Baltimore, MD but I didn’t book the plane tickets, reserve the stay or anything like that because I had several layers of reasons that held me back. It was really weird staying home while my Legal Shield family went. As I read their experiences, and their achievements, I can’t help but feel excited for them. I am sending my love. I miss you guys. I had an doctor appointment that I couldn’t avoid but went anyway. I made a different referral appointment, finally, for my sciatica so I’m looking forward to see what can be done to improve my health. That would be in May sometime. I ended the month with my son wanting a haircut so off to the kitchen we went.

You are valid. You are enough. You are you and no one could ever be you.

Thank you for reading my story.

With love,