I would be sitting in the car, seeing a runner on the sidewalk just jogging. I wanted to cheer them on but I kept my mouth shut. I was afraid they would think I’m crazy. I was also afraid of people in the car would look at me weird.

I am afraid to make suggestions at the group gathering because I might say be judged.

I am afraid to wear my own clothes that I fell in love with to public because people are very opinionated.

I was bullied as a child whenever I have my hair down so it just easier to keep it in ponytail.

I am afraid to wear dresses because there are so many people who ruins women’s rights. I am also uncomfortable displaying my legs because of how it looked. It is just easier to wear pants.

Being a follower is just easier than being a leader because the leaders tend to get criticize often.

I am afraid to sit down and start making kiddy crafts because people tend to be very cruel.

I am afraid to publicize my video and display me to cyber world because I don’t know what they’re saying behind the screen. I’ve been put down, looked down upon, and being mocked more than I could count in real life. I just want those words to be silent so I don’t bother creating my content.

I refuse to dance in the rain because I don’t know how to dance.

Is there a thing as cloud watching anymore? Let me do it from my bedroom window where no one is watching me.

Is there a thing to watch fires dancing above the wood in the firepit? A fire watching? Is that even a thing?

I will admit, I have no idea how to be a good host to guests in my own home. Or being an friend.

So people sees me as a uptight person because people have no idea how much I hoards the anxiety to keep it inside my body and not let it out. All I wanted for people to like me for me and allowing me to relax around you without feeling of being judged. I cannot relax. I can’t be me. I got to look “normal” as much as I possibly can so I blend in.

I flat-out refuse to make funny faces, or laid my head on people’s lap randomly, and even randomly shout out a positive cheers. I won’t even stick my head out and let my hair fly free with sun touching my face like we see on TV.

No. I would sit silently and feel my muscles all around in my body stay tighten up hoping people don’t judge when I’m out in public.

I see you.

I see you doing your own thing. Keep being you. There are no such thing as ” normal ” because honestly, what is normal exactly? There are different version of normalcy for everyone. There are every cultures in this world and we’re all different. Every individual person on this earth past, present, and future are special and unique. I wish I could relax.

But

I won’t be another bully.

Oh…

I want to share a quick story –

It was September 9, 2022 in New Bedford, Massachusetts at the Southeastern Regional Transit Authority (SRTA) which are bus station.

” I was standing being stoic. Two boys, if I had to guess were around a 11 years old and a 15 or 16 years old — The younger one looked straight at me in the eye then immediately made weird funny faces at me walking pass me. Few steps away from me, I turn my head to look at the boys – the younger one whispered to the older boy.

I smile without them seeing me. I turn my head away from them waiting for the bus to arrive then I kinda look straight ahead of me. I see the boys lingered a little bit like the older one doesn’t know what to do. In the end, his body language seem to drop the whole thing and relaxed.

My reason for sharing this story tonight — Just that small sillyness – it has brought a smile. That young boy wasn’t being rude or anything, in my opinion. This boy and I do not know each other at all. Completely stranger to each other but he decide to be silly at that moment.

Smallest act of silliness is MUCH needed. There is too much serious-ness. We all .. yes, even adults .. need to be silly more often. (( Of course, not during needed-serious moments. ) Good night, all. ” — I wrote this on my social media after it have happened.

TO THAT LITTLE BOY —

Don’t stop being silly. Please do continue making people smile.