#MeToo

TRIGGER WARNING – Please don’t continue if this is triggering. I am sharing some personal experiences that I have gone though that might be difficult for you to read. I am sending you with love and understanding that no one should have to go through this.

This is my story. This is not the race to see who has the most abuses experiences ever. I’m just speaking of my own experience, my stories, and my truth, that I’ve picked from my past to share.

One of my children asked me a very old question that has been asked for years. Who would you rather to be around in the middle of no-where, a bear or a guy? I answered, a male. The face of my child’s with my answer drained the color.

If you’ve asked me when I was 16 years old, I would’ve said Bear.

I’ve gone through so much in 40 years of my life. (At the time of the writing, I am only 40 and my birthday is in few days. Birthday was August 2nd.) I’ve been sexual assaulted, raped, beaten up, verbal abuse, mental abuse, audism abuse, emotionally abuse, financial abuse, and I was victim of bullied. I just learned that there is a passive abuse so add that to the list. There is a chance of spiritual abuse but I can’t confirm. I have got to the point that I didn’t know what was abuse and what was not. Yes, I am saying I have been brainwashed.

Here is the link for the more information that Deaf people actually experience more abuses than hearing people. <- Click for link if you want to know more.

There was SO many people involved around me that was teaching me that this was not right. I had lost my belief. The core of identity of who I am as a person. I have gotten to the point I didn’t trust myself and/or any one around me. Literally. What kept me going was my children. My kids are the reasons I am still breathing today. I want to make sure they are protected and guide to the right path in life and my sincere hope for them is that they didn’t go through what I’ve gone through.

At age of 8, I was taking the school bus to a nearby Deaf school that I’ve gone to all my life. I’ve friended with all kind of ages of the students. The school I was attending was teaching kids from pre-k all the way to high school. This friend of mine was a Black, deaf male who seemed really chill guy. We talked daily during the school ride. One day, he decided to show up at the door and my sister, K answered. I was caught attention by my sister saying there was a person that was for me. At my house door, there was a hallway stairs right out of my house that you see in tv, I was basically in the house but outside of my home if that makes sense. I was at the bottom of the stairs and we just chatted for good few minutes. Being 8, I knew nothing about dating world or even having interests in other people being more than a friend. I had no idea that he was interested in me. I was assaulted by his making out with me and grabbing my bum without my permission. I remember feeling that was wrong and it didn’t sit right with me. I was confused. I had no idea what that was. It was messing with my head for a bit. I honestly can’t remember how I “escape” from that situation. I remember sharing this situation with my sister. My sister told me to tell this guy to stop so I did exactly that the next day. After that, he stopped but we remained friends.

I brush it off eventually and forgot about it but it is possibility that it was the beginning of my acting out, my distrust in others, and a burden of holding that secret because at the time, my mother had no idea. (To my knowledge.) I really did forgot about this whole situation until high school when someone mentioned they were also assaulted by the same person. Once we had that talk and it wasn’t discussed again after that. A friend who was also assaulted happen to see his obituary, which made her hunt down to figure out what have happen. She told me that he had some medical that came up which require him rushing to hospital but he didn’t make it. For me, it trigger the memory that was in a file in the back of my head bringing it to the frontal memory as I stare it happening in front of my eyes. I was able to sit with it and acknowledge that it wasn’t my fault at all. I was a kid. I had no idea. I was only 8 years old. That fault falls to this guy. I left it as that.

At age 15 or 16 until I was in my 20s, I became friends with over 50 people in yahoo chat that was popular during at that time. I felt I was pretty known in that room and it was going well. This one guy who I befriended with was struggling with his own relationship so I talked with him to help him in moving forward. I was meeting people off the internet regularly and I didn’t have any issues. My school was opening to public by displaying their drama, I believe it was called, “Fiddler on the Roof” so I invited people to see if we could generate some money and to help my school. He was only one out of crazy amount of people that I known in that yahoo chatroom to show up. He was approx 9 years older than me and we did have relationship at one point. This guy was a toxic white hearing male who plays emotions smooth-talker game. Out of all the relationships I had, he was the one that have cause the most traumatic experience. I have experienced mental, emotional and verbal abuse along with him throwing me in the jail for something I never did out of revenge because I called the police on him. He did have pills all over the kitchen table and he was intoxicated passed out with pills around him on the floor. So what was I suppose to think when I walked into the house seeing him in that state with my deaf best friend. Of course, call the damn 911 and that exactly what I did. Remember, he’s 9 years older than me and I was barely turn 18 at the time. The police came in, dumped the pills and talked with him. I collected my items and left the house with my best friend knowing this guy is in good hands of the police.

So when I got arrested few weeks later, I was in jail for only few hours because I made the ONE right call I was permitted to have. My best friend’s mother demanded that I was seen by the judge and to have me out of the jail. After talking to the judge what have happened and explaining the whole situation, by his order to put restraining order, I followed and did what I had to do. My abuser did not like that and hired himself a lawyer to slam the restraining order back on me. Anyway, his lawyer actually told me that they wish they have represented me after having a few quick chat with my mother then me when he put the stories pieces together of what have happened. This abuser is 6’2 tall probably and could weigh around 250ish while I was only barely a hair under of 5 foot tall weighing at 110 pounds. This dude claim I abused him by throwing the plate at him while that is not true. I actually slid the plate across the table which cause the spaghetti sauce got on his sleeve somehow. On that same day, he screamed behind me, throwing things, and banging his head on the wall due to the fact I wanted to go home to my mother who I didn’t see for a week or so. I missed her and I wanted to see my mother. I’ve dealt with his suicidal behavior, stalking, cyber-stalking, and smooth-talk his way into my world turning against me. Today, this name that belongs to him and is very common name, I cannot say that name out loud. It sends a fear down to my spine and I get choked up. It doesn’t matter if that name was belong to anyone else, I still cannot say that name. I have came up with nick-name that I can only say when I speak of him and those who knows the whole situation knows which abuser I spoke of.

The people that I grew up with actually did not believe my story and you have to imagine the day I made that hardest decision of my life was walking away from my… MY own identity as a deaf person. Even as right now, talking to Deaf people again, I’m shaky. Scare. Terrified. The reason I’m feeling these emotions is past could haunt me and hurt me again. BUT THAT (Deaf Identity) is my identity. I’m in the constant battle-ground with myself.

Back to that decision-making to walk away when I was maybe 20 years old, my husband at the time saw my world crumbled. He was on my side and told me he would stand by me and walk with me. I’ve never cried so hard like that day again after that when I made that decision. I cried until there was no liquid anywhere in my body and my body shook violently. My heart was ripped out of my chest as I stare at my children knowing I had to make that decision. My children is my world and I cannot put them in danger. The whole drama that this event part of my life that it holds have to stop. I knew I cannot be a best mom if I continue being constant fighting with people for my truth. I had to walk away. That was … hard. My world truly crushed. As I type at the moment, I’m in tears. For those who actually did not believe me during that time and comes running to me years later trying to apologize. I am sorry to tell you “NO thanks, you will NOT apologize. YOU have NO idea what you have done. “

I’m going to state that I do acknowledge that the behavior he have done belongs to him. Whatever I did as a teen, I was a damn teenager and I had no idea what I was looking at. This dude was 9 years older than me AND BY the way, he did know my actual age. I did NOT hide that fact from him. He did go to my school seeing other kids there. He knew I was a student there. He should have known better not to get involve with children who were under 18.

One last thing, I didn’t graduated high school because of that guy. I actually did not feel safe in that school because the staff admitted they couldn’t do more to protect me. And the bullying in that school was already bad enough but that stalking push over the edge is the reason why I walked away. So to the schools, DO better.

To the people who believes my stories which are VERY few people stood by my side, all I can say is Thank you. It means more than you ever know.

So, with the question above, I’ve already gone through them. I survived so what the 5th or 6th person going to do to me because I have been abused in so many ways and I’m still here. Bear is huge and very strong. I am no match for the bear. The bear is probably going to see me as their meal while more likely, the human doesn’t. The human is going to want me to cook their meal and clean the house.

With the writing of this post, it has took several days adding, removing and editing. It is hardest post to write. I’m sharing some heavy stuff. There are more abuses that I’ve dealt with but this pretty much paint the picture of what abuse could do to the person and the mental state that could put the person into.

When you say hello, you have NO idea what that person had gone thru few seconds ago, a few minutes ago, an hour or even yesterday. Don’t forget last week or even a month ago. Lets not forget there might be something in their past that they’re holding a heavy burden secret that are heavy weight. Every journey is different. Every experience, and every emotions that the person had gone thru – you have no idea.

Please stay kind.

To those who actually gone thru something huge, please know that you are valid.

I am still holding that paintbrush …